18 and over

Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm? I don't know dear, ask your father.

 

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

 

A man went to a CD store and bought a lot of CD's. When he came back home his wife asked him, "Why do you buy CD's if you don't even have a CD player?"
He answered, "Why do you buy bras?"

 

Little Tommy hears noises coming from his Mom's and Dad's room every night so he goes to take a peek in their room to see what they are doing.
After a couple of days of doing this little Tommy asks his Mom, "Mommy, sometimes at night I hear noises coming from your room and I peek and I see you jumping up and down on Daddy's tummy. Why do you do that?"
"Well," Mom says "That is so that I can make Daddy skinny."
"Mommy, but you're wasting your time doing that," says little Tommy, "because after you leave for work every morning, the lady from next door comes into your room with Daddy and blows him back up."

 

A woman goes in for her yearly exam with the gynecologist. The nurse prepares her for the exam and says the Doctor will be with you in a moment.
The Doctor enters and looks between her thighs and starts laughing uncontrollably, she gets annoyed and  finally asks him what it is that he's laughing at.

He tells her that she has the biggest hole he has seen in his entire career. She jumps off the exam table humiliated and gets dressed and leaves.

The woman is thinking about this all  the way home, finally at home she gets a mirror and lays it on the floor and stands over it and checks for herself when her husband walks in and asks what she's doing.

Not wanting to tell him she says she's checking to see how her new shoes look, he says, Oh ok, and by the way, be careful you don't fall into that big hole in the floor.
(Sent in by Lloyd Eszlinger)

 

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this...
First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing!
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
(Sent in by Paula Mullin)

 

  There was a time in Scottish history when the Scots resorted to the kilt
because, the noise from the zipper would scare the Sheep away.
(Sent in by Lloyd Eszlinger)


Who is Jack Schitt? You ask.
The Lineage Revealed:
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt."  Now you can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holy Schitt, the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced.

Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW, when someone says that you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
(Sent in by Paula Mullin)

 

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was  told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away.

He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.

Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead.
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money... even more then you did. "They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along,  minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold.
Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and have five years of the best sex any man could
hope for to look forward to.

There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Every time after we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
(Sent in by Paula Mullin)

 

Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?

Because....he doesn't want anybody to know he's screwing chickens!!
(Sent in by Charlie Campbell)

 

One day, while sitting at a Starbucks, Frank starts to tell Bob about this Freudian slip he had the other day.
Confused, Bob asks frank, "What's a Freudian slip?"
Frank explains to him that a Freudian slip is when you say what your thinking about instead of what you meant to say. "Like for
example," Frank continues, "My Freudian slip was: yesterday I was buying tickets to Pittsburgh from this huge breasted woman and instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I said, 'Can I have two tickets to Titsburg?'"
"Oh." Says Bob, "I get it...You know I had one of those the other day...I meant to ask my wife to please pass the peas but instead I said, 'Stupid bitch, you've ruined my life!'"
(Sent in by Zivae)