Bar Jokes

This guy sits down at a bar and orders beer...

The guy says, "3 beers please!"

The bartender says, "Three beers for just yourself?"

The guy says, "Well, I'm drinking one for me, one for my dad, and one for my brother."

So a year goes by, and the guy had become a regular always ordering 3 beers, but one day he comes in and orders just 2 beers.

The bartender says, “Just 2 beers, not 3, are ya sure?”

The guy says, “Ya, I’m drinking one for my dad, and one for my brother."

The bartender says, “Well what about the one for you?”

The guy says, “Oh, I quit drinking.”
(Sent in by Brian Sweet)

 

A guy walks into a bar and notices an unusually large peanut sitting on a shelf behind the bar.

The guy says, "Hey bartender, where’d you get that big peanut sitting there on the shelf?”

The bartender says, "Well, I rubbed this magic lamp here, a genie came out, and granted me one wish."

The guy says, “Give me that lamp. Let me try it... I wish for a million bucks.”

Next thing ya know, a bunch of ducks start flying through the bar.

The guy shouts, "No, bucks! I said a million bucks!”

The bartender says, “Did ya think I wished for a 12-inch peanut?”

 

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads to the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole.

All of the sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."

The drunk looks around but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more the voice speaks. "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times, there are no fish!"

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"

"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey arena".

 

A seamen meets a pirate in a bar, and conversation turns to their adventures on the sea. The seamen notes the pirate has a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch.

The seamen asks, "So how did you end up with a peg leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a sea of sharks. Just as my crew were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seamen. "What about your hook?"

"Well," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible", remarked the seamen. "How did you get the eye patch?"

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well", said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

 

A guy's been drinking at a bar all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing.

So the guy stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again."

 

A guy and his buddy were sitting at a bar talking, when a knock-out blond walks in and struts her way past the two guys.

The one guy says, "Man I'd like to have her for a night"

His buddy says, "I had her, she was okay, but my wife is better".

A week goes by and the two guys meet up again at the bar.

The one guy says, "Hey guess what...I finally got a hold of that blond for a night".

His buddy says, "yea, how did you like her?"

The guy replies, "you were right, you're wife is better!"
(Sent in by Don Logsdon)

 

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

 

It's an early evening in a dark and smoky downtown bar. Two men are sitting side by side on barstools, quaffing beer and talking.

"Hey," says the first one, "you're Irish, aren't you? I'd recognize that accent anywhere!" "Of course I'm Irish," says the second man. "Well, saints be praised, so am I!" replies the first. "Let me buy you a beer. "So Joe the bartender brings each of them another beer.

After a bit, the second man asks the first, "What part of the auld sod is your family from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "Really? That's where my family is from! My turn to buy YOU a drink. "So the second man calls over the bartender and they toast one another with their beers and keep talking.

"Where exactly in Dublin are you from?" asks the second man. "We lived on Killarney Street, on the west side of town," answers the first. "I can't believe this!" cries the second man. "I used to live on Killarney Street too." He waves at the bartender: "Joe, I want to buy this man another beer, and pour one for yourself while you're about it. "So, Joe brings over two more beers and pours one for himself.

"Wow," says the first man. "This is really amazing! What was your mother's name?" "Her name was Mary, may she rest in the arms of our heavenly father," comes the reply. "What!" Gasps the first man. "My mother's name was also Mary, may she rest in peace. Joe -- tell everyone in the place that the next round's on me!" So, Joe sets up everyone in the place with their next drink.

About this time another man comes in and sits down at the far end of the bar and motions Joe to bring him a whiskey. "Hiya, Joe," he says, reaching for his wallet. "How're things?" "Same-old, same-old," Joe answers, polishing a bit of brass with his apron. "The grill's on the fritz, the wife's sore at me, and -- oh, yeah -- the Murphy twins are plastered again."

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Last update: May 07, 2011

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