You might be a
- Your kids are going hungry tonight
because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
- You owe the taxidermist more than
your annual income.
- You fainted when you met Slim
- You have lost at least one tooth
opening a beer bottle.
- Jack Daniels makes your list of
"most admired people".
- You won't stop at a rest area if you
have an empty beer can in the car.
- Your dog can't watch you eat without
- You have a Hefty bag on the
passenger side window of your car.
- You have a very special baseball
cap, just for formal occasions.
- Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
- The Salvation Army declines your
- You bought a VCR so you could tape
wrestling while you are at work.
- Your dad walks you to school because
you are both in the same grade.
- Your wife has a beer belly and you
find it attractive.
- You've ever filled your deer tag on
the golf course.
- You've ever shot somebody over a
mall parking space.
- Santa Claus refuses to let your kids
sit in his lap.
- Your toilet paper has page numbers
- You think mud rasslin' should be an
- The receptionist checks the rat
traps at your place of business.
- You list your parole officer as a
- There are more fish on your wall
- Motel 6 turns off the lights when
they see you coming.
- There are more dishes in your sink
than in your cabinets.
- You think a turtleneck is a key
ingredient in soup.
- You've ever stood in line to get
your picture taken with a freak of nature.
- Your anniversary present was getting
the septic tank pumped.
- Your local ambulance has a trailer
- You watch cartoons long after your
kids get bored.
- You think the French Riviera is a
- You think you are an entrepreneur
because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
- You're still scalping tickets after
the concert is over.
- More than one living relative is
named after a Southern Civil War general.
- You think the stock market has a
fence around it.
- You think the O.J. trial was the big
Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
- You've ever lost a loved one to
- Your boat has not left the driveway
in 15 years.
- Your front porch collapses and kills
more than three dogs.
- You've ever used lard in bed.
- Your coffee table used to be a
telephone cable spool.
- You keep a can of Raid on the
- You've ever used a toilet seat as a
- Your home has more miles on it than
- Your Christmas tree is still up in
- You've ever been arrested for
- You think that potted meat on a
saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
- There is a stuffed possum anywhere
in your house.
- You hammer bottle caps into the
frame of your front door to make it look nice.
- You've ever shot anyone for looking
- You own a homemade fur coat.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster
than your cat.
- Your momma has "ammo" on
her Christmas list.
- You've totaled every car you've ever
- There are more than five McDonald's
bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
- Momma taught you how to flip a
- There is a wasp nest in your living
- The Home Shopping Channel operator
recognizes your voice.
- You give your dad a gallon of
Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
- There has ever been crime-scene tape
on your front door.
- You burn your front yard rather than
- You consider a six-pack and a
bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
- Fewer than half of your cars run.
- You've ever been kicked out of the
zoo for heckling the monkeys.
- The taillight covers of your car are
made of tape.
- Your car has never had a full tank
- Any of your kids were conceived in a
- Your momma has ever been involved in
a cuss fight with the principal.
- You think a subdivision is part of a
- You've ever bathed with flea and
- Your good deed for the month was
hiding your brother for a few days.
- Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes
four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
- Your momma doesn't remove the
Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--.
- You stand under the mistletoe at
Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
- Your favorite T-shirt is offensive
in thirteen states.
- You've ever been involved in a
custody fight over a huntin' dog.
- You're an expert on worm beds.
- The dog catcher calls for a backup
unit when he visits your house.
- Your wife has ever said, "Come
move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
- Your family tree does not fork.
- The flood history of the area can be
seen on your living room walls.
- You haul more than U-Haul.
- Your momma has ever stomped into the
house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
- There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
- Your wedding was held in the
- Your soap on a rope doubles as an
- Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
- Your baby's first words are
"Attention K-Mart shoppers."
- The antenna on your truck is a
danger to low flying airplanes.
- Your primary source of income is the
- You pick your teeth from a catalog.
- You've ever financed a tattoo.
- You refer to the time you won a free
case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
- Your hairdo has ever been ruined by
a ceiling fan.
- Your mother has been involved in a
fist fight at a high school sports event.
- You've ever barbecued Spam on the
- You own all the components of soap
on a rope except the soap.
- The best way to keep things cold is
to leave'em in the shade.
- You've ever raked leaves in your
- The neighbors started a petition
over your Christmas lights.
- Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
- You entire family has ever sat
around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
- You go to the family reunion to pick
- your grandmother has ever been asked
to leave a bingo game because of her language.
- You can't tell what color your car
is because of the dirt.
- You have refused to watch the
Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
- None of your shirts cover your
- Your only condiment on the dining
room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
- The rear tires on your car are at
least twice as wide as the front ones.
- You consider "Outdoor
Life" deep reading.
- You prominently display a gift you
bought at Graceland.
- You use the term `over yonder' more
than once a month.
- Birds are attracted to your beard.
- The diploma hanging in your den
contains the words "Trucking Institute".
- Your mother keeps a spit cup on the
- Your wife's job requires her to wear
an orange vest.
- You've ever worn a tube top to a
- Bikers back down from your momma.
- You were shooting pool when your
kids were born.
- Your favorite Christmas present was
a painting on black velvet.
- You think that Dom Perignon is a
- Your school fight song was
- You think a chain saw is a musical
- You've ever stolen clothes from a
- The most commonly heard phrase at
your family reunion is "What the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
- You think that beef jerky and Moon
Pies are two of the major food groups.
- You've ever shot a deer from inside
- The first words out of your mouth
every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all
Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
- You have more than two brothers
named Bubba or Junior.
- You've ever stolen toilet paper from
a public restroom.
- You clean your nails with a stick.
- You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
- Your Christmas cards have a copy of
your butt included.
- People are scared to touch your
- Your father encourages you to quit
school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
- You think a Volvo is part of a
- You've ever worn shorts to a funeral
- You think that the styrofoam cooler
is the greatest invention of all time.
- You've ever been too drunk to fish.
- You've ever bought a used cap.
- You had to remove a toothpick for
- You've ever used a weed eater
- Your momma tore her best dress coon
- You have a rag for a gas cap (on a
car that does run).
- You look upon a family reunion as a
chance to meet `Ms. Right'
- You have to go outside to get
something out of the 'fridge.
- Your richest relative buys a new
house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
- In an effort to watch your
cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
- Your idea of a seven course meal is
a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
- You go to a Tupperware party for a
- You've ever spray painted your
girlfriend's name on an overpass.
- Your lifetime goal is to own a
- Someone asks to see your ID and you
show them your belt buckle.
- Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day
- The directions to your house include
"turn off the paved road".
- Your dog and your wallet are both on
- Every electrical outlet in your
house is a fire hazard.
- Your house doesn't have curtains,
but your truck does.
- You have started a petition to
change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
- You call your boss
"Buddy", on a regular basis.
- You consider your license plate
personalized because your dad made it in prison.
- You have been fired from a
construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
- You need one more hole punched in
your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
- You need an estimate from your
barber before you get a haircut.
- The biggest fashion risk you take is
which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
- You have flowers planted in a
bathroom appliance in your front yard.
- Someone in your family says
"Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
- Your wife weighs more then your
- You move your refrigerator and the
grass underneath it has turned yellow.
- You mow your lawn and find a car.
- You can spit without opening your
- Going to the bathroom in the middle
of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
- You go Christmas shopping for your
mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
- You are still holding on to
Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
- You consider pork and beans to be a
- You can amuse yourself for more than
an hour with a fly swatter.
- You have to go down to the creek to
take a bath.
- You participate in the "who can
spit tobacco the farthest contest".
- You roll you hair with soup cans and
wash it once a year.
- You've never paid for a haircut.
- You consider a three piece suit to
be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
- There is a sheet hanging in your
closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
- You think the Mountain Men in
Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
- You've ever made change in the
- The fifth grade is referred to as
"your senior year."
- You consider a good tan to be the
back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
- You own at least 20 baseball hats.
- You think a 'cursor' is someone who
swears a lot.
- You know of at least six different
ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
- You can change the oil in your truck
without ducking your head.
- When you run out of gas, you put gin
in the gas tank.
- Your screen door has no screen.
- Your biggest ambition in life is to
"git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's
- Three quarters of the clothes you
own have logos on them.
- Your grandfather completely executes
the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
- When you leave your house, you are
followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only
thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
- You have a house that's mobile and
five cars that aren't.
- You gene pool doesn't have a
- Your `huntin dog' cost more than the
truck you drive him around in.
- You have a Hefty bag for a
- Your belt buckle weighs more than
- You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
- You have the taxidermist's number on
- You own more cowboy boots than
- You've been to a funeral and there
were more pick-ups than cars.
- You have a picture of Johnny Cash,
Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
- You just bought an 8-track player to
put in your car.
- There are four or more cars up on
blocks in the front yard.
- It's easier to spray weed killer on
your lawn than mow it.
- You think that John Deere Green,
Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
- You've ever climbed a water tower
with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
- Your vehicle has a two-tone paint
job--primer red and primer gray.
- The tobacco chewers in your family
aren't just men.
- Your momma calls you over to help,
cause she has a flat tire...on her house
- The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
- You have to check in the bottom of
your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
- You can't get married to your
sweetheart because there is a law against it.
- You celebrate Groundhog Day because
you believe in it.
- Your kid takes a siphon hose to
- You've been on TV more than 5 times
describing the sound of a tornado.
- You fish in your above-ground pool.
. . and catch something.
- When a sign that says "Say No
To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
- Your beer can collection is
considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
- Getting a package from your post
office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
- Your wife wants to stop at the gas
station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
- You dated your daddy's current wife
in high school.
- You're moved to tears every time you
hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
- You grow Vidalia onions, rather than
considering them a gourmet item.
- Your Momma would rather go the
racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
- The most serious loss from the
earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too
if he pays you for it).
- You have spent more on your pickup
truck than on your education.
- You've ever hit a deer with your
- You can tell your age by the number
of rings in the bathtub.
- Your momma gives you tips on how to
sneak booze into sporting events.
- Exxon and Conoco have offered you
royalties for your hair.
- Your dad is also your favorite
- Your classes at school were
cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
- During your senior year you and your
mother had homeroom together.
- You're a lite beer drinker, because
you start drinking when it gets light.
- On your first date you had to ask
your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
- Your parakeet knows the phrase
"Open up, Police!"
- You saved lots of money on your
honeymoon by going deer hunting.
- In tough situations you ask
yourself, "What would Curly do?"
- Taking your wife on a cruise means
circling the Dairy Queen.
- You think the last words to the Star
Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
- You have a color coordinating rope
that ties down your car hood.
- You bring your dog to work with you.
- Your grandmother can correctly
execute the sleeper hold.
- You've ever held somebody up with a
- You have every episode of "Hee
Haw" on tape.
- Your favorite hunting dog has a
bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
- Your masseuse uses lard.
- Your wife's best shoes have steel
- You use your fishing license as a
form of I.D.
- On stag night, you take a real deer.
- You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
- Your back porch is bigger than your
- There is more oil in your cap than
in your car.
- You think a hot tub is a stolen
- A full-grown ostrich has fewer
feathers than your cowboy hat.
- An expired license plate means
another decoration for your living room wall.
- You think Old Yeller is a movie
about your brother's tooth.
- You watch Little House on the
Prairie for decorating tips.
- Your secret family recipe is
- Your handkerchief doubles as your
- Your baby's favorite teething ring
is the garden hose in the front yard.
- Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
- Your sophisticated show-biz cousin
is a rodeo clown.
- You think people that send out
graduation announcements are show-offs.
- Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
- Your pocketknife has ever been
referred to as Exhibit A.
- You think cur is a breed of dog.
- People hear your car long before
they see it.
- Your four-year-old is a member of
- Your satellite dish payment delays
buying school clothes for the kids.
- Your most expensive shoes have
numbers on the heels.
- Your wife has ever burned out an
- Your birth announcement included the
word "rug rat".
- You've ever hitchhiked naked,
- You're turned on by a woman who can
field dress a deer.
- You use the O on a stop sign to
sight your new rifle.
- Your bumper sticker says, "My
other car is a combine."
- The gas pedal on your car is shaped
like a bare foot.
- The highlight of your parties is
when you flip out your false teeth.
- Your wife keeps a can of Vienna
sausage in her purse.
- Taking a dip has nothing to do with
- There are more than ten lawsuits
currently pending against your dog.
- You take a fishing pole to Sea
- The hood and one door are a
different color from the rest of your car.
- The Chevy you bought new in 1973
still has the window sticker on it. (I made this one up)