When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in agony like the passengers in his car right before the accident.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
A woman gets home, runs into her house,
slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I won the lottery, pack your bags!!"
The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean or the mountains!"
She says, "I don't care. Just get out of my house."
How much does it cost for a pirate to get
his ears pierced?... A bucc-a-neer.
(Sent in by Craig Jillson)
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde all work in the
same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work
early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd be right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them. "NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"
A preacher went on his calls by first visiting an
As he was sitting on the couch talking to her, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the table in front of him. "Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?" he asked the lady.
"Why no, Pastor. Go ahead and help yourself".
After about an hour, the preacher got up to leave and noticed that he had eaten almost all of the peanuts in the bowl. "I apologize", he said to the elderly lady. "I only meant to eat a few".
"Oh, don't worry about it," she
said. "Since I've lost all my teeth, all I've been able to do is suck the chocolate
off of them."
(sent in by Paula Mullin)
the difference between a Northern story and a Southern story?
A northern story begins, "Once upon a time...."
A Southern Story begins, "Ya'll ain't gonna believe this shit !"
(Sent in by DITTOTOOL2)
A Letter from an Arkansas mother to her Arkansas son:
Im writing this real slow cause I know you cant read very fast.
We dont live where we did when you left. Your daddy read in the
paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.
I wont be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas
family that lived here took the numbers off the house with them for their next house so
they wouldnt have to Change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in,
pulled the chain and I aint seen them since.
It only rained twice this week.
Three days the first time and four days
the second time.
You know the coat
me to send you? Well Aunt Sue said it would be too
heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on
we cut them off and put them
in the pockets.
We got a letter
from the funeral home today. They said if we
make the last payment on Grandmas funeral bill, up she comes.
Your sister had a baby this morning. aint heard whether its a
boy or girl, so I dont know if youre a uncle or an Aunt.
Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat at work.
Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him
and he burned for three days.
of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. One was driving, the other two were in
the back. The driver got out. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two drowned.
They couldnt get the tailgate down.
Theres not much news this time, nothing much has happened.
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the
TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts. " She looked
a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring
me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought
him a beer. When it was gone he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top! "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed, "Damn, it started..." (Sent in by Steve Weaver)