Miscellaneous jokes

When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in agony like the passengers in his car right before the accident.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I won the lottery, pack your bags!!"
The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean or the mountains!"
She says, "I don't care. Just get out of my house."

How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?... A bucc-a-neer.
(Sent in by Craig Jillson)

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd be right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?
   The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
   The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.
   The blonde was happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them. "NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

A preacher went on his calls by first visiting an elderly lady.
As he was sitting on the couch talking to her, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the table in front of him. "Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?" he asked the lady.

After about an hour, the preacher got up to leave and noticed that he had eaten almost all of the peanuts in the bowl. "I apologize", he said to the elderly lady. "I only meant to eat a few".

"Oh, don't worry about it," she said. "Since I've lost all my teeth, all I've been able to do is suck the chocolate off of them."
(sent in by Paula Mullin)

What's the difference between a Northern story and a Southern story?

A northern story begins, "Once upon a time...."
A Southern Story begins, "Ya'll ain't gonna believe this shit !"
(Sent in by DITTOTOOL2)

Dear Willie,
I’m writing this real slow cause I know you can’t read very fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left. Your daddy read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.

I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers off the house with them for their next house so they wouldn’t have to Change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain and I ain’t seen them since.

It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time.

You know the coat you wanted me to send you? Well Aunt Sue said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on it, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a letter from the funeral home today. They said if we don’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes.

Your sister had a baby this morning. ain’t heard whether it’s a boy or girl, so I don’t know if you’re a uncle or an Aunt.

Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat at work. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Two hunters are out in the field hunting pheasant when the one hunter collapses. His eyes are glazed over and he's turning blue. Not knowing what to do, his friend calls 911 on his cell phone. The operator answers and she tells her that his friend is laying on the ground blue in the face. She tells him not to panic and says she can help. "First of all check to make sure your friend is not breathing", the operator says. A few moments later she hears a shotgun blast and then the hunter gets back on the phone and asks her, "now what?!" (Sent in by Lloyd Eszlinger)

A lady brings her lifeless old dog to the Vet. and tells him she thinks her dog is dead. The Vet says hmmm! lets take a look here. So he goes and gets a cat and runs it over the dogs neck, with no response. Then he runs the cat down to the dogs tail with no response yet, he places the cat nose to nose with the dog and stll nothing, and then announces to her that the dog is truely dead. The lady says he was up there in age and thanks the Vet. and asks how much do i owe you? The Vet says $320.00 dollars. The lady crys, $320.00? for What you didn't do anything? So the Vets say, well $20.00 dollars for the office visit and $300.00 dollars for the Cat Scan. (Sent in by Lloyd Eszlinger)

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts. " She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top! "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed, "Damn, it started..." (Sent in by Steve Weaver)