Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".

And ugly. My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"

And my sex life is nothing to crow about. At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

I met the surgeon general, he offered me a cigarette!

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

My dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

Farts, Then says, "What, did somebody sit on a duck?"

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

(from "Caddyshack")
Hey, this here's my buddy, Mr. Wang. Now I want ya to fix him up with the woiks! Get him two of these, four of these, and maybe three of these (and get me a box of the naked lady golf tees). Oh, that hat! You buy one of these and you get a free bowl of soup! (looks at Judge Smails [Ted Knight]) But it looks pretty good on you! (rolls his eyes)

I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc! I just took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. What should I do?" He said, "Go home, have a couple of drinks, and get some rest!!"

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

I was a poster child... for birth control!

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches--one for each time zone!

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"